No end to the never-ending

“doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results”

Now I see why this is the definition of insanity. My son does the same thing over and over again.

But why? He can seem so ‘normal’ in so many other ways? He can even talk about how he will do all the right stuff to create a stable life for himself. He will pull himself out of a place of nowhere and rebuild. Then self-destruct, then rebuild – over and over again. Even though I often feel when his next crisis is looming, I can easily get swept into its wave.

I get caught in it because it’s a huge wave. The surge is swelling – I feel his despair. It’s gaining energy – I feel the crippling weight of his world. The energy rises upward. The higher we go the faster the pace. I’m tumbling out of control. The wave batters me about. The throng becomes a whoosh. Then we are at the top. The curl. Energy releases at the apex of the wave. The peak. The crest.

And now I finally see the attraction. It’s life at the crest he strives for. For him every other state of being feels unsatisfactory. It is this state of intense chaos that makes it all worthwhile for him. Even the crashing of the crest justifies the brief ecstasy at the top.

Then he self-destructs. And starts building again. Completing the circle. Only to start all over again.

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