Now I see how I am part of the problem. I have separation anxiety of losing him as much as he has of losing me.
The anxiety started when he was an infant, especially when he was only 6 months old. When I went back to work after my maternity leave he would scream and cling to any part of me that he could grab ahold of. My hair, my purse, my coat or pant leg he’d latch on with a vice-grip hold.
I would unattach and run out the door sobbing privately with his crying ringing in my ears. Everyone said he would soon get used to my leaving. But it seems he never did.
Today it’s the same. While I am able to rationalize the letting go, I am still crying inside me when I say no to him. No you can’t live with me. No you can’t borrow my car. No I won’t lend you money. No. No. No.
I cry inside and feel immense guilt when I say no to him. I’m always saying no.