“The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss – an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. – is sure to be noticed.” ~ Kierkegaard
Do you know this feeling: When you’ve tried really hard to shape a particular outcome but it kicks back in your face. The trying is what debilitated me. Trying over and over again I completely lost myself.
It got to the point whereas before I did anything I would first over-analyze in an effort to anticipate various scenarios. The scenarios were simple enough at first but would quickly devolve. An example would be like what to order at White Spot. It would become fraught with miscommunication, triangling and accusations, depending on how anything said by anyone was interpreted. We literally could not place our food order.
Although we were all very hungry we had to leave the restaurant. Then, as we’re driving home, the tangle continued in the car until I’d have to pull over, wait out the anxiety attack, or until the fight fizzled out enough.
It got to the point where I felt I was losing my common sense. I knew I had to avoid restaurants. I was trying to make sense of irrational behaviour a.k.a. mental illness. Who was manipulating whom? If your guess was Troll, you’re close because he likely started it but both Moss and I played equal parts in the drama.
Troll wasn’t losing himself. He was already lost. He was lost, is lost, and may stay lost when it comes to just living.