Internalizing

If I want to stop enabling a user, I know what it takes. It’s as simple as saying no.

But for some reason I continue to enable. Sometimes I can make a stand but oftentimes I waffle. Why? I feel it has to do with not being able to internalize that your child is using heroin. For example:

  1. For a long time I couldn’t believe this bad thing was happening to my kid – maybe someone else’s kid but not mine.
  2. I also thought that it’s just a temporary thing, that it’s just a glitch. Soon my kid will see clearly the badness of it and push it out of his life. Poof. Gone. Problem solved.
  3. Then I saw it as not my problem. It’s his problem. Only he can fix this. He is an adult, afterall.

Plus, all these rationales often overlap, repeat themselves, are blurry, or one will last much longer than another. When I finally took a stand it wasn’t a firm one. I started with reasoning. Show him as many angles of reasoning as possible to clarify the risks. I really believed my message got through to him. I felt confident I was about to see a positive change. Then WHAM. He’s back using.

I find that I, too, have had to hit my rock-bottom before I could take a strong stand and say no. I’d thought I’d hit my rock-bottom many times only to find that I hadn’t. Will I someday reflect back and see the moment when I clearly did?

I often wonder if I will.

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